A day that started with a snowstorm has quickly turned to a whole other type of storm for me. As you have seen in my blog title and in the "About Me" section I have bipolar disorder. My diagnosis came nearly 10 months ago and has changed me in so many ways.
Do I run around town with grandeur ideas believing I am a Hollywood star or some other off the wall delusions? No I don't. I do, however, have periods of mania where I am extremely hyper, cannot sleep, forget to eat or shower, talk extremely fast and have trouble carrying on a coherent conversation, cannot sit still, cannot focus on anything, and have constantly racing thoughts.
Do I have periods of extreme depression where I can barely function? Yes I do. I have periods where I question life and why I am still a part of it, periods where my bipolar mind convinces me the world would be better off without me in it. During these phases I either cannot eat or cannot stop eating. I binge eat on junk food, go days without showering, am in pajamas 24/7 and do not want to talk to another living soul. These stages are so much worse than the mania. These are the stages where I actually question my sanity, and when it finally passes the physical relief is just as strong as the emotional relief- I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I can actually breathe.
Then there are other days. Days like today. Days that I call my "Bipolar days". I am agitated and frustrated. One moment I want to scream at everyone around me and the next I want to hide away and cry. Standing in the middle of our kitchen earlier......
My Dad and my oldest son were sitting at the table eating and chatting...
My mother was washing dishes...
My littlest son was in his room playing videos games and yelling out every few seconds asking was his lunch ready yet...
Our cat was meowing at my feet, also waiting for lunch...
Our dog was barking at the door waiting for someone to let her outside...
The washing machine was loudly on the spin cycle next to the hum of the dryer...
The telephone began to ring....
And the wind was howling outside the window.
Out of nowhere I was filled with anger and frustration and felt as if I was about to SNAP! I had to walk away, go into the bathroom, take a deep breath and try to calm down and pull myself together. Did it work? No it didn't.
So today I will battle the storm.
I will try to remain calm and composed. I will try not to snap at those around me. I will try not to run and hide. I will try not to allow the frustration and anger to get the better of me. I will try to keep going, to keep moving. I will try to find an outlet, something to distract me or help me remain calm.
I will try to be normal, because, beneath it all I am still normal.
And most importantly, while the storm rages on, I will remind myself that although I have bipolar it does not me and I will not let it control me. It can have have my "right now" but it cannot have my life.
Until next time.....
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