Day 1 started with a sudden, overwhelming feeling of frustration, anger, irritability and rage which I pushed through.
Day 2 (yesterday) was much the same but I had managed to grasp control of my emotions and once again, trudged through the trenches of the war that raged in my head.
Last night I slept through the night- no nightmares. Kaleb was spending the night with his dad. I slept in his bed, a place that always makes me feel warm and loved, and managed to get in a full nights sleep. This morning I awoke feeling afraid....
Afraid that the things I had felt the previous 2 days would continue today...
Afraid that I wouldn't be able to push through if they did...
Afraid that the frustration and anger would boil over onto those around me...
Afraid that this episode would be the one that pushed me over the edge.
Although much of the time I can retain control when it comes to the roller coaster ride of emotions and thoughts that I experience during these episodes, there is always that fear hidden just beneath the surface. What if this episode will be the worse yet? What if I can't fight it this time? What if it takes me to a darker place than I am able to bear? What if, despite all my efforts to fight it, this is the episode that pushes me past my limits? I have been lucky thus far in my experience with bipolar disorder. I've never had to be hospitalized and I am so very grateful for that but I am also well aware with each episode that hospitalization can happen and for me, this would be unbearable. It is my greatest fear.
This episode is different from the last. The element of despair isn't there, but is replaced with a mixture of anxiety, frustration and irritability. My family gathered at the table for supper feels like I am trapped in a small, crowded place. Their voices are so loud and more than one person speaking at a time is a roar. The sound of the water running to fill the sink for dishes is a rushing river. The hum of the dryer is a droning in the back of my mind, the background sound of the orchestra of noises around me. How are they are so much louder? Each sound stimulates a cringe.
STOP! I want to yell at the people, the washing machine and dryer, the running water, the sound of laughter on the television screen, the purring cat, the parking dog. Just stop. I need silence, stillness. I need for the world to stop around me, even for just a few moments, so that I can clear the noises from my head, to find my footing, to pull myself together.
I am not in a good place. I can recognize it, I can grasp and accept it. For this I am grateful. I am grateful that this disorder has not taken over my mind to the point where I am unable to see things clearly. I am grateful that my mind, no matter how muddled, can recognize the truth when it's staring me straight in the eyes.
Today, like yesterday and the day before, I am just trying to make it through; trying to focus on things that will distract me- my projects, writing, a telephone conversation with a friend. Anything that will occupy my mind and body and help keep the enemy within at bay.
Today I am still fighting and praying that it isn't a losing battle.
Until next time, when I hope I have something far more positive to share....
Kindest thoughts to you x
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